How to Stay Calm: Four Simple Phrases for Every Day

Sometimes a person reads about equanimity, agrees with every word — and an hour later blows up over an unwashed mug in the sink. Understanding isn't enough. It takes practice.

So how to stay calm in real life? Buddhism has short phrases for it. You keep them at hand, like keys in your pocket, and reach for one when something inside starts to boil. What equanimity itself is, and how it differs from indifference, is in «Equanimity». Here — how to train it.

It works simply. Something happens that used to drive you up the wall. You recall the right phrase and look at the situation through it. And the emotion doesn't grip you the same way.

In the tradition these phrases are in Pali, the old language of the Buddhist texts. But the language doesn't matter: you can say them in your own words, as long as they're clear and quick to recall. Here are the four main ones.

“Everyone is shaped by conditions”

A person is the result of countless circumstances, not just their own choices. When: you feel like judging someone else or yourself.

“This arose from conditions — and it will end the same way”

Everything has causes, and some of them can be removed. When: you feel like a victim of circumstances or “bad people”.

“This isn't me or mine”

An event is simply happening. When: you've been hurt or offended, or you feel the urge to rescue everyone.

“That's how the world works”

Such is the order of things. When: something looks like a cosmic injustice, or you feel you must have an opinion on everything.

Pali has two similar formulas. “Kammassaka”: everyone is heir to their own actions. “Niyamaka”: everyone is the result of countless conditions. The difference matters.

Apply the first one to everyone — “it's their own fault, it's their karma” — and it's easy to become cold and arrogant. Someone grew up in poverty, believes in conspiracy theories, is ill because of bad habits. Saying “it's their own fault” is cruel: perhaps nobody ever taught them to live differently.

So “kammassaka” is better applied to yourself: what happens to me depends on what I do. That gives responsibility and hope: you can climb out of any hole if you keep doing good. That's all that depends on me. But it's a lot.

And to others — “niyamaka”: a person is shaped by countless conditions, and their choices are only some of them. We don't know what goes on in their head or what their childhood was like.

What conditions? The tradition names five: where a person was born; the body and heredity; the mind and childhood; their own actions; and the general order of things. In short: a person is more than their choices.

Like a dish. The cook matters. But so does what was in the fridge, what the stove was like, and whether the power went out halfway through.

You can look at yourself the same way. Even the Buddha, according to the suttas, fell ill — and said that not every illness comes from karma: sometimes circumstances just add up that way. And there's no reason to think that because things are good for us now, they'll stay that way. It's humbling. And it makes you more tolerant — of people and of yourself.

In Pali: “idam paticca-samuppannam, tam nirujjhati”. Nothing happens out of nowhere: everything has causes. Find the causes that depend on you — and remove them. Then the result stops too.

Late every morning and angry at the traffic? Traffic is a condition. Leaving home at 8:40 is a condition too. And unlike the traffic, that one can be changed.

This phrase helps you stop being a victim of circumstances and “bad people”. The main question it asks: what can I do so this doesn't happen again?

In Pali: “yadidam anatta”. What's happening is simply an event. Not “they offended me”, but this and that happened.

Someone on the subway shoves you with their shoulder. Usually we think: “I got shoved. How rude.” Or you can put it this way: body A bumped into body B. Full stop. It sounds like a physics textbook problem. But try being offended by a physics textbook.

If the person is dangerous, just step away. Or even apologise, though you were the one shoved — if it defuses things. There's no one to blame: the other person is shaped by conditions too. What's left is to see what I can do.

The same phrase helps when you want to save everyone. Every man must. Every woman must. If you're kind, you must save everybody.

We don't demand this of others. Nobody expects the school librarian to step into the ring with a boxer. But of ourselves, somehow, we do: save every dog, sort out the mess in the next department, explain to a friend for the hundredth time that her boyfriend is a jerk. Not everything in the world is your responsibility.

Hence a simple rule: rely only on what depends on you. A goal that depends on others almost guarantees worry.

A conversation. The goal “change your uncle's mind at the holiday table” is doomed. The goal “say what I think, hear him out and calmly finish my salad” is perfectly achievable. And sometimes it turns out the conversation isn't needed at all.

A venture. Someone opens a coffee shop on money friends promised to put in. And if they change their minds? It's calmer to plan from what you have. If they invest — a pleasant surprise.

In Pali: “evandhamma” — such is the order of things. Wars, cruelty, and right beside them, someone's kindness. It's been like this all through history. When something looks like evil on a cosmic scale, this phrase reminds you: things like this happen in the world all the time, and this too will pass one day.

There's no absolute evil and no absolute good in the world. The bandit Angulimala killed many people, then became a disciple of the Buddha and reached liberation. One of the Buddha's chief disciples, legend says, killed his own parents in a past life. It seems unfair to us.

«Fairness is a child's emotion. A child's toy is taken away, and he cries.»

This phrase also lifts the duty to have an opinion on everything. Over morning coffee a person manages to form views on the world economy, a stranger's divorce and a series he hasn't watched. By lunch he's exhausted. “That's how the world works” — and you don't have to carry all of it on your shoulders.

This isn't indifference. Even when there's trouble all around and everyone is on edge, you can stay out of the boiling and help those you're able to help. The task is to stay human.

Equanimity is like the old joke. A man comes to a rabbi and complains about another man. The rabbi says: “You're right.” The second man comes with his version. “And you're right.” A witness is puzzled: “How can they both be right?” The rabbi replies: “And you're right too.”

The shortest way to describe equanimity is letting go of over-control. We react where there's no need. And there's no need almost everywhere.

Reacting is an attempt to control what you don't actually control. Like a passenger who presses an imaginary brake the whole way. The car doesn't drive any more safely. The passenger's leg just aches by the end of the trip.

In meditation this is exactly what we train every day. A thought comes — we let it go and don't feed it. An unpleasant sensation — we don't try to get rid of it. A pleasant one — we don't hold on.

Say today you're drowsy. Okay, that's how things are today. Without equanimity, a person starts fixing the meditation instead of meditating. Like someone who can't fall asleep because they're trying too hard to fall asleep.

On the whole, meditation is accepting what is. No tricks. And little by little you let go of thoughts that once seemed important but were really just instilled in us as children. And not only as children.

Culture is largely built like this: people agree on what's important and what's sacred, and put that list into the heads of children and adults. When a child is told “shame on you”, that's the same kind of list, just a small one.

Equanimity slowly takes these hooks out. A person realises they don't have to react to everything or feel guilty about anything and everything. They still live honestly and kindly — but no longer out of fear: from the fullness of the heart, by their own choice.

A fan of one team finds it hard to see things from the other side, especially after a disputed penalty. Equanimity teaches you to look from above, rooting for neither side. Then there's nothing to catch on. And hooks always hurt.

A person may share a pastry with a stray dog, and it makes them glad. Or they may not, and it doesn't upset them. The mind stays calm. Some people describe it like this: as if you'd climbed out of a thorny bush and lay down on a soft featherbed.

These phrases work not on the meditation cushion but on an ordinary weekday.

Late for the third time this week

Instead of “it's always the traffic” — “this arose from conditions”: traffic is one, leaving at 8:40 is another. The second can be changed.

A rude cashier

“Everyone is shaped by conditions”: the twelfth hour of a shift, a bad back, a boss since morning. They're made of conditions — and so are you.

Missed a deadline again

To yourself: what happens next depends on what I do now. Not self-punishment — hope.

An argument in the family group chat

“This isn't me or mine”: not my area. No need to step in or have an opinion on everything.

Heavy news first thing in the morning

“That's how the world works”: help if you can — and don't carry the whole world on your shoulders.

And this isn't a phrase, it's an excuse

Saying “that's how the world works” when the electricity bill arrives, and not paying it. The phrases don't cancel what depends on you.

These phrases don't make anyone calm in a day. They're like keys in your pocket: at the right moment your hand finds the right one.

How to stay calm? Keep the keys at hand and use them every day.